I need some sunglasses now

Sorry, sorry, sorry. I was off enjoying myself on vacation and didn't get any blogging done.

So I'm returning with a vengence.

Lil' Mama. Let's start with the name. Horrendous. Seriously, can't you be more creative? Jesus, Lil' Romeo and Lil' Bow Wow did the Lil' thing a decade ago. But onto a recent wardrobe choice of yours. A hot pink and purple sequined dress on top of neon orange tights?

I do hope this is what you wear when you go running at night, because there is no other reason for forcing me to wear sunglasses while I'm driving home from work at 2 a.m.

Although if you're auditioning for the lead singer spot in the Misfits from Jem it might work.

We're live at the SAGs

Well, sorta.

I'm live-twittering. Check it out :D

BTW: Giuliana Rancic's dress according to my dad? "Is she wearing her PJs?" When the man's right, he's right.

Dear Goldie,

Animals don't have to die just because you and your daughter are cold. There are perfectly eco-friendly (and non-lethal) alternatives.

Thank you,

The gross, smelly dead things adorning your body

The circus called. . .

and they'd like their clown makeup back, Paris.

And if you don't mind, the leopard is a bit cold without its spots.

When you get done with that, please remember that matching your top to your car is complete and total overkill, especially when it's baby doll pink.

Kate vs. Posh

Best friends, mute, glassy-eyed girls...what more could Victoria Beckham and Katie Holmes-Cruise-whatever want from life?

Apparently, dueling ad campaigns.

Well, dueling would actually be terribly unfair to Katie. Posh looks AMAZING in her ad for Armani underwear. No protruding clavicles you could cut glass on. No shoulders that look like they'd shred any fabric touching them like the sword did to Whitney's scarf in The Bodyguard (Tebow, I love that movie). Just a rock-hard, rocking body.

Katie, on the other hand, in the Miu Miu ad? Well...um...she kind of looks like a mannequin? Which I guess is what she was maybe going for? Kind of? In an offbeat way? She actually just looks really ... dead. Like, literally dead. I don't hate the dress (save the random oil splatters on the towel-through-the-belt portion). But there's no way THAT ad is making it a must-buy for anyone.

Sarah's mad for plaid

It's not often that we get the chance to see Sarah Jessica Parker make a fashion misstep of this magnitude.

A strapless plaid dress with a ginormous bustle/bow/thing on the back? Did you get dressed in the dark, honey? It even has rouching to boot. It's like somebody threw shit together just to see what would stick and then painted it plaid or maybe they tried to update Victorian fashion by making it strapless and plaid. Either way, it hurts my eyes and requires sunglasses.

The great Tebow should not have allowed this monstrosity to leave Ms. Parker's closet.

EDIT: The Fug girls shredded this much better than I ever could.

Not all Chanel is classy

You gotta love fake reality stars. Nobody (other than Bai Ling) is more likely to put together an atrociousness and claim to be on the cutting edge of fashion.

Nobody is more likely to think that simply because it came from an "important" design house it must look good, and nobody is more likely to think that a logo makes her cool.

Now, before I get to the real bashing, I must fess up to a hatred of visible logos. They're tacky and scream, "Look at me! Look at me! I have more money than sense."

All of this brings us to Heidi Montag and her manicure.

Yes, those are Chanel logos airbrushed onto her black fingernail polish, cause nothing says cutting-edge like black nail polish with Chanel logos.

Good lord, woman. The one logo I though could never look trashy, you made look trashy. Much like your fake marriage (or your two or three fake marriages) to that epitome of maledom, Spencer, you can't even get a manicure right. Even my rock and roll ass knows better than to put a Chanel logo on my fingertips, let alone a Chanel logo on top of black nail polish. It's neither goth nor upper class. The two things cannot be fused!

Invest in some nail polish remover and save us from your latest bout of stupidity.

Oh, Courtney

Courtney Love just seems to refuse to realize that the more crap you pile onto your body, the more likely you are to make the "What were they thinking?" lists. Now, don't get me wrong. I like to think I've got a bit of a rock 'n' roll aesthetic when it comes to fashion, but being a rocker doesn't mean you have to be fugly as all get out or look like you're walking around in your daughter's Halloween costume.

Where to start on this one? Well, how about the good, and there is good in this outfit. The dress is cute and could be made to work, even with those tights/hose it could still work.

What doesn't work? Well, everything else. We'll start at the bottom and work up.

1) Those shoes. Yes, ballet flats would work, but not pale blue satin ones with ankle ribbons augmented by my crafting ribbons. Some little unadorned black ones would have been a better choice.

2)The purse. Truthfully, I don't know that ANY purse would work with this get-up, but the one she's got is a definite don't!

3)The bracelets. At first, I thought they were Madonna's gloves from her Like A Virgin days, but on second look, they're black cuffs with brown suede fringe. I didn't know anything that hideous existed, let alone graced the accessories closet of someone who claims to know fashion.

4)The hat. I think I bought one of these at one of those mall accessory stores in high school. Maybe in the 1920s when flappers were all the rage, the hat might, might have worked, but not today and certainly not in burgundy and certainly not with that dry, bleached mop masquarading as hair. A black hat might have even worked today with her Larry Flynt era smooth, banged bob. It still would have been costumey, but that's Court's style.

5) Her age. The dress might be OK on a girl under 25 who's got Courtney's boyish figure, but it is not OK on the 40-plus mother of a teenager. At some point, you've got to grow up Courtney.

SE's best and worst of the night

My best dressed woman? Susan Sarandon. I love the idea of woman's tuxedo, but rarely does anyone manage to pull it off. Susan does. The velvet jacket, the skinny pants, the bustier top, the long strands of beads, put it all together and you have one divine-looking woman. Plus, it's neither dowdy, garish nor too young for her, problems many women of her age face.



Worst dressed woman? Drew Barrymore. It wasn't a train wreck. Oh no, it was even worse. It was the dreaded near miss. Her outfit was perfect, down to the deep red clutch, but her hair, oh my lord, her hair. It looked like my cat styled it! It was a gigantic bleached, teased rat's nest on top of her head. It was worse than Jeff Gordon's 2007 dead raccoon mullet. She loses (wins?) simply because she was so close to being best dressed.



Best dressed man? Well, SG has already claimed Seth Rogen, so I went with my second best instead -- The Tudors' Jonathan Rhys Meyers. The vest is what does it for me. Most men wear a two-piece suit or at least don't show off their vests. I love different, and since almost every man there went with boring black (other than Laurence Fishburne), Rhys Meyers' willingness to do something different rockets him to the top of my list.



Worst dressed man? David Duchovny. He's rumpled. He's wearing shoes with laces (a no-no a formal event). The only positive? At least they're flat front trousers and not pleated.



The best couple of the night? Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon. While his hair is, well, in need of something, I blame Bernie Madoff, Kyra's deep scarlet dress and his classic tux more than made up for the hair issue. Kyra, in accordance with the Globe's more laidback attitude, didn't have a complicated updo, but simply pulled it back away from face, showing off her minimalist makeup.



The worst couple of the night, as much as it pains me to say it, was my beloved Angelina Jolie and her (deleted) significant other Brad Pitt in Versace. Where to start, where to start. . .

Well, Angie's dress is a hot mess, as one of favorite Project Runway contestants would say. The top is hideous, unflattering and makes her look like she's trying to hide yet another pregnancy. The skirt looks like something a Vegas show girl would be rocking. Her hair is, well, blah. As stunning as she is, having half her face covered by her hair makes no sense. This look is made even more wrong by the fact that she looked stunning at the People's Choice Awards earlier in the week.

As for Brad, his tie is crooked and his facial hair looks like that of a 15-year-old boy (and whoever decided to bring back the 'stache. . . a pox on your house!). Brad also fell victim to the unfortunate trend of men wearing sunglasses on the red carpet. Simply gross.

My winners (and loser)

First, my loser of the night (well, along with Olivia Wilde, but I just couldn't bear to look at that dress again to post it). Heidi Klum.



Between the spleen that has apparently burst out of her side and through her dress and the Hefty-bag shine of that dress, she had no hope. Heidi's very hit or miss, and here she needs to be hit. Besides, her toes hang off the front of those shoes by about an inch. Yikes!

Best woman? Kate.


There's really nothing I can say here that hasn't already been said.

Best man: Seth Rogen.


Yep. That's the fat, Jewfroed guy from Knocked Up and Pineapple Express. Rocking a slimmed-down frame, a light tie, a well-tailored look and some freshly-shorn hair. I think I may be in love a little bit.

The men!

It's stunningly easy to screw up a night out at an awards show. We see men do it every year. So imagine my surprise to see so many men get it right at the Golden Globes.

And they even come in children's sizes!


I kid, I kid. Kind of. But Kevin Connolly IS tiny.

Anyway, I'm all for taking a risk, and going out of the ordinary. Shoot me, but I like the Jonas Brothers' look here. Clarification: I do NOT like the Jonas Brothers. Not sure I could name a song. But thanks to my obsession with celebrity, I do know what they look like...and I like this mismatched-but-still-unmistakably-together look.


Kiefer Sutherland needs to lose the sunglasses, but I like the light tie here. I'm still efforting (ha!) a photo of Seth Rogen, who looked amazing, but this will do.


And finally, just for eye candy:

Catching up...

Some of the photos I hadn't been able to cull yet:

Oh Drew...


Winslet might be my best overall. What class, and what beauty.


She's made some missteps, but Anne Hathaway (I think) is finally figuring out how to play up her absolutely perfect alabaster skin.



And, just because: This is why it's called the golden globes...

Thumbs down

For my darling SE, here is her darling Angie, who looks like a darling homeless person playing dress-up.



"Oh, Brad, darling, I know I've done better recently in these award show getups. But I just don't have the strength in my frighteningly bony arms and hands to pick up a dress with any structure. I will, instead, go with this horrid thing that looks like a bad 70s dress on the top and a horrible mistake on the bottom. And I'm not going to wash OR brush my hair."

Egads.

But my personal worst: Olivia Wilde.



SOMEONE is reliving their 1970s prom memories. And not in a good way, like by going and making out with the quarterback in the back of his El Camino.

Amy Adams:



In general, I adore her. But I fear she smuggled Kevin Connolly in under that skirt. Lordy. Look at the imaginary hips on her now!

Christina Applegate:



She's had a really bad year, so the karma gods won't like this, but the drop waist on that dress was a really bad idea. I like the dress otherwise. But take that waist up about six inches.

The Cyruses:



Miley FINALLY looks like an actual teenager...and her mom looks like a groupie. And, for the record, I'm sending Billy Ray a Supercuts gift card tomorrow. Dude, you're like 45 years old. Cut the damn hair.

Elizabeth Banks:



Smoking hot woman, funny as hell, the kind of girl I'd love to sit around and be snarky with. But right here, right now? She looks like Miss Chattaleeocha County, 1982.

Glenn Close became Austin Powers ... when?


I love Jenna Fischer too, but she's wearing my grandmother's chair cover.

What the heck were they thinking?

Bear with me. I can't right click, so there aren't pictures. . . yet.

1) My darling Angelina what are you wearing? It's so wrong. The cut of the top is unflattering. You need a necklace with that neckline and your hair is covering your face. Oh, and the slit? When did you start pole dancing?

Even your best accessory, Brad, isn't with that atrocious '70s John Holmesesque 'stache.

2)Drew Barrymore. . . You are NOT a TV anchorwoman from the 1980s. Lose the hair.

3)Dear Vanessa Hudgens,

It's not that your dress was horrendous (although wearing a dress the same color as your skin isn't the best idea) or even age inappropriate. It's that you need to gain 10 pounds, stat. Being able to see your bones through your skin because of a lack of meat on your bones is a bad thing.

Also, stand up staight. You're not an Olsen twin, and it's really not cute when they do it either!

Red Carpet's done...

And since I have only online galleries to go by at this point, I'll say there were not nearly as many horrible "oh my god, hide the children, that dress could bring about the apocalypse at any point" moments as I had hoped.

Quick highlights:

1. Eva Longoria.



OK, I know it's really easy to love her on red carpets. I mean, she's tiny, perfect and so very very gorgeous. But just NOT screwing that up should earn her some points. And the cleavage? Hello! I'm assuming, however, she's standing in the back of the room with an IV since there's no way she's sitting down in that.

2. Jennifer Lopez.



I chose the pic without her scary husband, and to be honest, this had to grow on me. I was thinking the gold tinfoil look was not a good one. But sweet lord in heaven, I would murder to have that body right now, let alone after two children. And if you've got it, and feel the need to somewhat harken back to your famous belly-baring dress then hell, go for it.

3. Rumer Willis


Yeah, I said it. What? She looks a.) human and b.) like a female. I like the red hair on her, I love the color of the gown with the hair, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE the details on the front. Congratulations, Rumer, for once you do not make me wonder why you haven't been shipped off to some foreign country for our own good.

Perfect timing!

SE and I are kicking off this blog just in time for all the questionable choices certain to be showcased at the Golden Globes. We won't be live blogging it (stupid careers) but we'll weigh in when we can (dinner breaks and the such) and then come back in later tonight with our best and worst of the night (and hopefully not nearly as many parentheticals). Love to see what you think too...

Let's hope Courtney Love doesn't show up.






Welcome, make yourself at home, please don't scuff up the floor, and watch out for all the cat hair. Sorry in advance.